Blue People Are Our Enemy

First of all, take time to notice the new header image. It's likely to be the main feature of a story I'm writing for the website in newspaper called "God Save Us All".

Obviously, it'll be a satirical piece.



Have you ever looked up at the sky at night, taken in the vastness of the blackness above you, and wondered if you were staring at a well-developed, intelligent alien race full of life and history? No? Am I alone on that one too?

Well just imagine it for a minute. The law of averages would say that it's nearly impossible that humanity is the only form of intelligent life in the universe. It's simply too big for that to be the case.

So what happens when (or 'if', as it might be appropriate to consider that we will be the harbingers of our own destruction) we meet an intelligent species of aliens in the future? Will it be all Star Wars/Star Trek/Mass Effect where all the species get along and seem to speak English perfectly? Or will it be like Avatar, where the humans go in and redefine what it means to "fuck shit up".

Well, let's go back through human history to find our answer. After all, history is said to repeat itself. It has a terrible memory.

Travel back with me, if you would, to around 1095 AD. There was a hip new Pope on the block named Urban. Fresh off of defeating his arch rival Cardinal Rural (who was a little bit country to Urban's rock and roll) in an epic game of "All About the Osmonds: The Official Boardgame", he needed some fresh blood.

Enter late 11th century Israel.

At the time, the place was inhabited by a fresh, new group called the Muslims. Urban saw this and said, "Muslims?! In MY holy land?! I see shit that needs to be fucked up!"

So fuck shit up he did. He got in there nice and violent like, and the vast armies of Europe slaughtered everyone that was different than them, establishing an age-old European tradition of cultural acceptance and sensitivity.

Did Urban say "Hey Muslims, I know that this is your home and all, but there's plenty more desert out a few miles that way and this place is kind of holy to us. D'you mind shifting a bit?" No, for those of you curious enough to ask, he did not. He probably didn't take into account that Jerusalem and its surrounding area was also quite holy to the Muslims, but such was the Catholic church circa 1095.

So what happens when we reach an alien world, set foot at the steps of an enormous temple that the indiginous race there spent millenia building?

"Come in peace" you say? Don't be so childish. No one says that.

"Houston, we have a temple"? Now that's just stupid. You just took an iconic phrase and bastardized it beyond recognition.

"Hey aliens, nice temple you got there. We're gonna' fuck it up now 'kay? Kay"? Now you're getting it.

The history of human aggression towards anything that has a different skin tone than them is staggeringly violent and comprehensive. The white explorers of yesteryear couldn't handle people with brown skin. What makes you think we'll be welcoming of aliens with green or blue?

The other option is them coming to us. That would be a disasterous endeavour as well. If the aliens decided to touch down in say, Congo? Where people brutally murder people with extraordinary talents because they think they're witches? You think they're frenzied and confused when little Dikembe shows off his amazing footwork in soccer, just imagine what they'll do when a whole new species of life comes down and starts talking gibberish at them while presumably pointing neon blue and green lights at them.

And if they go through the rest of Africa and see children dying because they eat too little with disease running rampant, then finish off their whirlwind tour of the world we call home in New York, where the buildings scrape the sky and people die because they eat too much, imagine what they'll think of this race.

They'll see that we don't care for our fellow kind because there's a big, blue, wavy thing in between us and them.

They'll see that while a group of evil pricks is going around a region in a country slaughtering thousands because they don't believe what they do, the best we can do is have a few popular and semi-popular musical artists play a bunch of music and throw money at the situation.

And yes, they'll see that when a country is in one of its most dire moments, the people that are paid by other people who gave them their job to bring the country out of such dire straits don't want to work past 2PM.

Maybe it's better that we stay on this little rock of ours, and when the Aliens come, piss them off enough to wipe us all out.