I Hate This Cycle

Oh fuck. It's happened again.

There have been stretches in my life that I've gone months without caring about relationships. I'm content with myself as independent and on my own. It's got its perks, for sure. I get to keep my own money for myself, I don't have to deal with drama that wasn't there before, and I don't have to prepare myself up for impending doom and the depression that follows.

But then I get reminded by something, sometimes someone, of what life would be like if I was in a relationship. Recently, one of my best friends got engaged. There I was, standing around at my senior prom a couple of hours after landing in Dallas after a trip to Portland which ended with an eight hour stay in an airport, watching two of my friends, so happy in each others' company, experience a moment neither of them will ever forget. It was really quite touching, if not a little shocking.

Of course, my mind switched to me a few days later, as it so often does. I do try to be subtle about it, but when you're as open as I am on here, it's kind of hard to restrain egos. I then realized that I was at my senior prom, watching two of my friends get engaged, and there was no one on my arm. No one to slow dance with. No one to teach how to play pool at the after party (though admittedly I wouldn't be a very good teacher).

Selfish? Maybe it is. I think I've paid enough for it though. The one thing I said to myself after about the seventh hour of sitting inside Portland International Airport, apart from a few less-than-kind comments under my breath, was "I am expecting an enormous return of karma for all of this shit". I think that summarizes my romantic life as well.

I've had my heart broken twice. The first time, I curled into a ball and laid in my bed, a bit too shellshocked to cry and too foggy to scream out in anger. The second time, I think you could say it drove me insane (or more insane, if you'd like). Those were just the two times I had the courage to tell the person in question what I felt. There must be countless more that I haven't.

I'm just left looking back at those two points in time, wondering if I'm due yet. I have fallen to immeasurable depths because I put my heart out in the open for all to devour. Am I alone in thinking I deserve at least something in return?

I know exactly what most of you are thinking of saying, and don't think that I'm ungrateful for the thoughts: really I am. I would be an empty husk were it not for my friends. I would be stuck in the abysses I threw myself headlong into. I love them all dearly for that. Remember that, because I have a feeling the next part is going to sound ungrateful.

If I discuss this piece with anyone of my friends or family, I know the exact lines they'll use. "It'll happen eventually", "You can't force these things", "You don't have to be in a relationship to be happy", "It's not all it's mocked up to be", "You're going to college in a few months anyways, what's the point?"

It may happen eventually, this much is true, I just don't see why I have to go through all of this madness before it does.

I don't have the ability to force these things, even if I wanted to. I've sat back and waited for months. That didn't work either. Still no bites.

I really don't have to be in a relationship to be happy, I think this much I've proved, but I want to be more than happy for once. I want to look at someone in their most natural state and want nothing more than to be besides them. It could be doing something mundane, watching a movie or just even walking perhaps, but I just want to melt at the sight of them.

It may not be all that it's mocked up to be, and the troubles I've seen my friends go through are a testament to that, but even still I feel like I want to find that out for myself. I don't want to be told that the downfall isn't worth those special moments beforehand. I want to find out. It's a bit like not believing the warning label when it says that the lamp is hot. It may be hot to others, but as far as I know that label is talking shit. Maybe it feels like an acid trip to me. It has no way of knowing. It is, after all, a label. It does not have the power of cognition.

But I digress.

College? Yes. Several months away. If I meet someone here over the summer, will it make leaving for Missouri in August that much harder? Probably, but I'm certain the months of joy beforehand will be more than enough to make up for it. Will I meet someone in Missouri that will knock my socks off? Maybe. I could also meet a she-devil that constantly tears me down.

I don't think I'm looking for a life mate either. Someone to spend the summer with and have an amazing time with, definitely.

I just don't know. I was once asked if I was ready to be in a relationship. My answer was "I'd like to think so".

For once, at least with this sort of thing, I just want to find out for myself.