That Feeling

There is a feeling that I always seem to get in the pit of my stomach when I know something's wrong or is about to go wrong. I'm getting that feeling again today.

I regret to inform all of you that, yes, this is another semi-rant about relationships and my lack thereof. I realize that I write quite a few of these, to put it mildly, but as I've stated time and time again, the purpose for me keeping a blog was to get my feelings out into the open.

So, in case you can't tell from that pretty piss poor piece of poetry from the middle of May, I like a girl. A girl that I spent quite a bit of time with over the course of the year. There are three, maybe four people that know who she is, and according to one of them they had no idea that I had such feelings.

Here's the weird part though. Usually I don't get that aforementioned feeling until after I've been thrown up in the air and shot down with a large caliber rifle. I don't really feel pathetic and hopeless until after the words "get the fuck away from me" or some variation thereof are spoken or written. For some reason or another, I'm getting this feeling now, before she even knows about it.

All I have to support the theory that this is the beginning, middle, and end of the discussion on the topic is my self-loathing "she wouldn't even if she did know" line of reasoning. I mean, it's never really failed in the past and history does have a tendency to repeat itself.

But my god. Every time before I get that feeling, there are a series of especially warm ones. As I mentioned, I've seen this particular girl quite a bit over the course of the year, and in the month that I've felt something for her, I've lit up every time I'm around her. I make an extra effort to be funny around her, with varying results, just so I can see that amazing smile of hers. Every day is a reminder of that wonderful trait of being... just plain weird. Different. One of a kind.

Cliche, you say? Absolutely. Then again, the human spirit is rife with cliches just waiting to explode at the first sign of affection.

As much as those warm feelings have existed, raising the corners of my mouth even as I write this, I still can't shake that dismal feeling. My instincts have been good about warning me of oncoming storms in the recent past. It's almost worth saying that I'm praying that they're wrong this time.