9/26/2010

If you are reading this, you are doing so for one of two reasons.

One of them is that you're sitting in your FIG class right now and going through everyone's blogs and you've just now come across mine. If that's the case, excuse me for a few minutes while I do some housecleaning for everyone else.

The other reason is because, like me, you've heard the term "swearing like a sailor" and have never actually seen or heard a sailor swear before. Now while I'm not a sailor, I have some swashbuckling/sail-hoisting cred. Captain Morgan is my nickname after all, and I didn't get that for my weekend activities either. I had to earn that nickname.

And by earn I mean host a bi-annual balsa wood sailboat competition in the pond behind my house in the Hamptons. My point is, when you see that little blue box with white text in it on Facebook, you come in expecting to learn how versatile four letter words starting with "f" can be.

But why am I telling you all of this I (figuratively) hear you asking? Well, mainly it's for those of you who are in the second group. The first group of people have no idea what lies beneath this entry and, for the most part, it'd be a great thing if they never did. Right now I'm just letting all of you "regulars" know that this is a minor blip on the radar. Regular programming resumes after today, so sit tight while I earn some points for my college money.

Okay, the first group of people can come back in at this point. I swear I wasn't talking about you behind your back.


My favorite journalist can't really be called a journalist. In fact, I'm pretty sure the fact that he's even being called or considered a journalist would be beyond aggravating to him. Perhaps unfortunately, he's been called the most trusted name in news in the past few years. Nevertheless, he has my dream job. If I could do what he does, I'd die happy. Who is this renaissance man, you ask?


Jon Stewart.

He lives in New York, makes fun of people for a living, and earns somewhere close to the modest sum of $6 million a year. There's just nothing that can beat that.

The comedy part aside, what Jon Stewart does on his show is really what every journalist should do. If John McCain was to come out and say something tomorrow about how he thinks Bananas shouldn't be eaten south of the Missouri River and there was a tape of him ten years ago saying that Bananas should ONLY be eaten south of the Missouri River, Jon Stewart would find that tape and call him out on it.

By the same token, if President Obama came out and said the same thing (though since he's most definitely a SocialistNaziMuslimElitist, it'd probably be caviar instead) Stewart wouldn't hesitate calling him out on it either. It's the kind of mindset that every TV journalist should be in.

Also:
http://www.prosebeforehos.com/video-of-the-day/09/24/jon-stewart-on-the-bill-oreilly-factor/
http://www.businessinsider.com/jon-stewart-on-oil-spill-2010-6

I mean, come on now.

Observations via a French Textbook

I haven't just written in a long time.

It seems more and more that every time I decide to come on here and write it's always because of girl problems or because I want to rip someone apart piece by piece. As the first post on here says, and as many detailing the fact that I haven't "just written" in a long time, this place was made so that I could sit down and splurge random nonsense that someone somewhere might find funny.

So I was looking through my French textbook today in class.

Today we learned, or in my case re-learned, people description words. Things like old, young, fat, skinny, tall, small, etc. Then I noticed a few things.

First of all, it seems like it's a rule in all foreign language textbooks that the little cartoon showing the difference between "old" (in this case, vieux) and "young" (jeune) has to include a number of things.

1.) An old man that is clearly stuck in his glory days, quite possibly because of Alzheimer's or a slight form of Dementia. This means that he's wearing a vest over a long shirt and, to top it off, a bowtie. It kind of makes me think that the dude is remembering his days as a Riverboat blackjack dealer back in ole' Mississippi. He used to hit or stay with the best of him, presumably at some of Tom Sawyer and Huckleberry Finn's sexy parties (Sexy parties probably didn't happen in either of their respective books. I didn't actually read them. I just figured the reception they got meant that there was at least one mention of an orgy).

2.) An old man that is clearly stuck in his glory days is standing very awkwardly next to a boy at least five decades his junior, and the boy doesn't seem to have any problem with it. In fact, he seems like he's more than okay with it. He's enjoying having pre-historic crotch-al regions within two feet of his face.

And then there's the fatties.

Is it just me, or is it kind of socially acceptable for an old woman in glasses to be fat? I don't think I've ever looked at one in disgust (unless they're one of those fuckers that scoots around Market Street in a Hoveround instead of getting off their asses and walking). I can look at morbidly obese women in their 20s and find it absolutely repulsive, the same going for men of just about any age.

But for some reason, when it gets to women above 50, any fat they may have just kind of becomes acceptable for regular members of society. They might still get called a fat cow at 49, but as soon as they cross that 50 threshold it's as if they've earned that fat. I'm not about to come out and say that I understand the pains of menopause of childbirth, but if the several red wine-inspired conversations I've heard on TV about the both of them lead me to believe that both of them are horrible beyond words. Who am I to say a little paunch isn't completely okay at that point?



Again, this was a refreshing little shindig we had here. I'm kind of looking forward to the next one I think of.

Also, in the news department, I've decided that I'm going to try my hand at Improv comedy. There's a club on campus that plays Whose Line is it Anyways?-style improv games on Thursdays. I'm probably going to redefine what it means to suck, but I'll have fun and meet people, so there's that.



There are two types of people in this world: Those who like Neil Diamond, and those who don't. My ex-wife loves him.