Annoying People

Have you ever been talking to someone you find really, really, REALLY annoying and you reach a point in the conversation that presents you with an opportunity to say something really, really, REALLY evil to them, but you don't take it because you feel like you'll lose a little bit of your soul if you do?

I had that a few nights ago.

There's this guy I work with, who for anonymity purposes we'll call Bob (though even if I used his real name, I doubt he'd know seeing as he's quite possibly illiterate), that is like the Energizer bunny of conversation. Once he starts talking, he never...fucking...stops. The first night I worked in Seafood, he went out to talk to my sister and her then-fiancee. He carried a "conversation" for at least 20 minutes, during which time I worked the seafood counter, no real idea what the hell I was doing.

So here is our conversation...

Me: Hey Chris! Guess what my Facebook profile picture is now?
Bob: No one cares.
Me: No one cares about "Jane", but you keep talking about her to us.

Now at this point, it's worth explaining that "Jane" is Bob's girlfriend. If that's not enough, he's repeatedly described their sex life in detail. To give you half of the idea of what that disturbing image looks like, I'll refer you to Lord of the Rings.

Yes, Bob is an extremely scrawny person. He is at most 5'4" and while he is what optimists like to call "vertically challenged", his feet are the size of watermelons. Because of this, we've given him a nickname that the great J.R.R. Tolkien came up with so many years ago: The Hobbit.

We've asked him if he can give us directions to the Shire. It's hilarious.

But the conversation continues...

Bob: You're just jealous because I have her and you don't. You ain't got no one.

This is that moment I was talking about.

To give you an idea of what the OTHER half of that horrifying sexual image is, I'll describe Jane. Now, Bob had been talking and talking and talking and talking and TALKING (I was definitely not exaggerating when I said he talks a lot) about her for the longest time. None of us thought she was real. We thought it was just a lie he'd said enough times he believed it.

But then he brought her in to show her to us.

Now, if you've ever been by our seafood market, you've probably seen a ship bell. We have two official purpose for this bell, and that's to either announce that we have fresh fish or whenever we cut the exact weight of a fish that someone asks for. The unofficial purpose is what we call "Code:Red".

The Beer and Wine guys and some of the people in Produce all know what's going on when they hear the bell ring: There is a very, very attractive lady in the vicinity of the seafood market. The scene of a bunch of thirty-somethings coming out of three or four different aisles, scouring the area in front of meat/seafood for the sight of a hot chick is truly legendary.

Now when Bob brought Jane in for the first time, I considered adding a fourth purpose to the bell: Whale Watch.

Jane is one of those girls that just hasn't looked in a mirror recently. She is quite a big girl, but she dresses like quite a small girl. The amount of skin that spills out around her lower midsection could probably make another human being.

Of course, I'm not going to tell Bob "The first time I saw your girlfriend, I thought you'd rescued a beached Humpback. I'm really not jealous at all". Only bad things could ever come of that. While I'm not intimidated by Bob in the slightest, I know that there is a certain level of fury inside every man that is unlocked when their mother or significant other is insulted or otherwise degraded. I'm fairly certain I'd drop him like a sack of potatoes, but I'd probably get my nose broken in the process.

I like my pretty nose. It's like a button. No reason to get that messed up at the expense of my soul.