Swagger Odor Blocking Body Wash from Old Spice: A Review

I've been thinking about how to start off this review for a while now, but I think I've finally found what to say.

Hello ladies.

Do you remember the feeling you got the first time you wrestled a bear into submission and later discussed the finer points of smooth, romantic poetry with it later that evening? Do you remember the utterly euphoric sensation you got when you realized that broken bones were nothing more than a slight inconvenience and you snapped your tibia in half to reveal that such a realization meant that the sound of your bones cracking was replaced by Debussy's "Claire de Lune"? Do you remember how satisfying the realization that you had become death, destroyer of worlds was?

I remember. Because right after I tried new Swagger Odor Blocking Body Wash from Old Spice, I did all of those things. I even climbed up a scale replica of the Eiffel Tower I built in my back yard entirely out of matchsticks and proclaimed my feats of pure manliness to the world.

My experience started when I saw the bottle on the shelves of Tom Thumb's hair and body care aisle. Bewildered by the vast selection of lady-scented body washes I saw before me, the red and black bottle that only barely contained the raw majesty of Swagger Odor Blocking Body Wash from Old Spice stuck out like an elephant in the middle of a den full of impeccably groomed lions (read: my room).

I transported the bottle home and immediately reposed to my shower, at which time I lathered the aromatic gel on my skin and fell into a scent induced hallucinogenic coma in which muscular black men wearing only towels to hide their waists told me of my destiny. My destiny, they told me, was to use Swagger Odor Blocking Body Wash from Old Spice every day for the rest of my life and be generally fantastic.

When I awoke from the coma, I was transported by an army of small woodland creatures to my bed made of rose petals and cashmere upon which I sat. The inspiration then hit me to write this review.

Look at this screen. Now to your floor NOW BACK AT THE SCREEN. Now back to your floor. That floor is empty, dull. You can fix this by pouring a gallon of Swagger Odor Blocking Body Wash from Old Spice over every square inch of that floor.

Now look back at your screen. You're reading the words that I'm writing because you enjoyed the ones prior to it. Now look at the piece of literature closest to you NOW BACK TO THE SCREEN. That literature is inadequate. It does not possess the earth shattering power that these words do. If the author used Swagger Odor Blocking Body Wash from Old Spice and not some lady-scented body wash, their words might at least put up a fight to my vastly superior substitutes.

Now look back at your floor.

Your floor is now diamonds.