Interpretations

There's one aisle in every supermarket that is rife with assumption, allure, and another word starting with "a" that repeats a consonant as its second and third letter. It's the one that has toothbrushes, toothpaste, other dental hygiene supplies, carryover hair supplies from the aisles next to it, and of course: condoms.

I'm not exactly sure why the condoms are anywhere near the toothpaste. That's just like putting a sign above the aisle saying "quickest way to get expelled", or as teenagers might see it "BEST DAY EVER SUPPLIES". No matter what you actually go into that aisle for, you know you're going to glance at the condoms. It's inevitable. The trick is to look as if it was nothing more than a glance. Sometimes it's hard to imagine the purpose of those Magnum XXLs that have the flashiest gold packaging and manage not to recoil at the thought of what goes into them.

I've decided they're used to keep large pieces of firewood in one place. I'm told to believe that every part of that last bit after "fire" is the actual reason for them, but long ago I came to the realization that mythical beasts just do not exist.

I really think supermarkets put them next to the toothpaste for constant amusement. Everytime they see someone come down that aisle, they immediately assume that they're buying condoms. They walk by, giving them a knowing wink and nod. They could be reaching for a new tube of Aquafresh, but they've seen the condoms. They're going for them.

This can backfire though. As soon as they see an old lady in one of those (FUCKING ANNOYING) scooter carts rolling down the toothpaste and condom aisle, their minds go to places they didn't want to be taken. Images of their grandmothers pop into their head, followed by severe, involuntary scratching of their retinas by their own fingers in a subconscious effort to remove said images.

I tend to pass through this aisle every day I work, en route to the dairy wall I have to face. Everytime I see someone in there looking through the toothpaste, I try catching their eye as I pass, hoping they'll see the "Yeah, you buy that toothpaste you dirty, dirty person you" in my smile.

But really it's all given me a bit of an idea.

One day, I'm going to go into the Toothpaste and Condom aisle at a supermarket, take all of the Magnum XXLs from off the rack and buy them all. I'll go to a bar or some other fancy establishment, and stuff them all in my jacket pocket. When I go to sit down in front or next to a group of people, I'll "unintentionally" knock the condoms out of the pocket, aiming to drop them in front of a hot chick. When she looks up at me after looking at the 50-odd condoms on the table in front of her, I'll smile and raise my right eyebrow.

"I went in there for toothpaste and came out with those. Not quite sure how that one happened."



Bring da Noise